17.02.11 - Confessions of a pregnant woman

Lying down with a view to your unborn child in a hospital is a surreal feeling. Mesmerized by the images revealed in front of me, I could hardly speak. At that very moment I felt overjoyed and blessed. Delivery day is still a bit further away, but it feels closer for each day that passes by. And more real as I am starting to show and my tummy is growing bigger. It is amazing, really...
 
But sometimes, well most of the times these days actually, it all feels a bit tiring. Although it is frowned upon to be complaining about pregnancy and feeling sorry about oneself, I'm going to be so bold and do it anyway. I am well aware of that pregnancy is not a sickness and I do realize that a majority of women never suffer from long term nausea, dizziness, back pains, pelvic pains etc, but I do. I suppose I am one of those unlucky ones. The detailed version about how my days look like are reserved for my closest friends and family because I just don't want to bother people with it. However I can tell you that I can tear up every now and then just by the thought of everything. And NO, it really doesn't help reading stories about other women who has been through the same ordeal or has been in worse conditions because ironic enough, all the people you're acquainted with who has been pregnant or is pregnant is in tip-top shape. Some, professing, that they never felt healthier. Well good for them, honestly.

Then there is the guilt. Feeling guilty that I'm feeling this way, does that make sense?

In the midst of all the discomfort and pain, there is the constant worrying. For me it is an unknown world and I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark. There should be a detailed manual for every pain and movement you feel in your stomach like "Pregnancy for dummies". And what do I make of all the information that is available?? Making me aware of everything that can hurt in your body is good, but do they really need to sugarcoat everything. Just be straight forward and tell me how it really works. Yes it can be painful, exhausting and sometimes depressing.

I have been told to toughen up, to relax and not stress, to look on the bright side, to talk about my feelings, to take one day at a time...I wish I could press a fast forward button to delivery day. The day where a little part of you (hopefully not so negative part of you :-) ) is lying in your arms. The thought of that is what gets me through the day.